Wednesday, December 26, 2007

New Years Resolution: Lose Weight

A few years ago I made a concentrated effort to house a parasite in my intestines. It's true. Another missionary in Chile had contracted a parasite by eating some goat cheese and lost 30 lbs- which is when I suddenly developed a love for queso de cavera (goat cheese) Now before you judge me for being superficial by putting my health at risk in order to lose weight- here's what I looked like-

Yes, that is me, in all my plaid glory at age 22. You may wonder what possessed me to wear such a jumper every other day for 18 months- I had to wear a dress and ride a bike in a country who's inhabitants water their dirt, and this beauty could camouflage bike grease and filth with ease. Those were good years in Chile. I was very happy despite looking like a candidate for extreme makeover. Getting the weight off post mission took some time. I never did get a parasite, I lost weight the hard way- that whole eat less work out more fad.

Though this girl in Chile is now unrecognizable(thank heaven), I'm still metabolically challenged. Brent and I like 80% of Americans want to lose some weight in the New Year. Yesterday we got a big help from Rubio's Fish Tacos, located in the food court of the San Diego airport, which so lovingly gave us the Christmas gift of food poisoning.

I've been begging for a quick death since 2 am this morning. I will never eat at Rubios again, but on the sunny side I can't think of a better way kick off a diet than a day of vomiting, diarrhea, and the inability to eat solids.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Brilliant Neighborhood Christmas Present

One of the big bonuses in living in suburbia is the onslaught of thoughtful neighbors bearing gifts. Every gift we get excites us. We've received gifts like these:

But the most GENIOUS present of all was this:

Especially since I've been wrapping my presents with this-

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Single's Ward Commentary

Warning: The following post is very MORMON.

This exchange occurred when my roommate Teresa, her fiance Eric, her mom (Sherry) and I while in the Pierside Singles Ward in Huntington Beach. You have to read the To: From:.

-----Original Message-----
From: Michael Robinson
Sent: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 8:37 AM
To: Teresa Jagard
Subject: Call me please

Hi Teresa,

The bishopric would like to ask you speak in church this Sunday. If you can/can't, please let me know ASAP.

Thank you!

Mike Robinson

-----Original Message-----
From: Kory Welch - USA
Sent: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 1:09 PM
To: Teresa Jagard; Eric Riewerts
Cc: Sherry Jagard
Subject: RE: Call me please

I've edited your response to Mike Robinson


I am going to Lake Tahoe for the weekend with Eric Riewerts. Don't
worry, we won't be unchaperoned, there are a bunch of couples going, and I really wouldn't I have time to prepare a talk between gambling and snuggling in the lodge with Eric. Sorry!

Whew...I am going to be mostly out of town throughout December...

Oh and please if you schedule me to give a talk in Jan please don't schedule Eric also for the same day. He told me he would embarrass me with corny couple comments from the we don't want to be tagged as the ward couple. I hope you understand.


-----Original Message-----
From: Teresa Jagard
Sent: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 1:24 PM
To: Kory Welch - USA
Cc: Eric Riewerts
Subject: RE: Call me please

Dude -- you better write an email to my mom right now explaining this
.... you are soooooooooooo fired!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Kory Welch - USA
Sent: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 1:35 PM
To: Teresa Jagard
Cc: Eric Riewerts
Subject: RE: Call me please

Will this work:

Dear Sister Jagard,
I would like to explain to you the emails which have been forwarded on
to you. I could understand that you could have some concerns about the
content with in the emails of which I have been asked to formally
explain on behalf of myself and Eric Riewerts. The primary issues being

1. That teresa does not want to talk in church

I'd like to fully negate that. In a singles ward EVERYONE wants to talk in church, it's about face time.

2. That there are other couples going on this trip

One of them isn't REALLY a couple, they're just kind of hanging out, but let's be honest- it's a ski trip, they're gonna hook it up.

3. There will be gambling in Tahoe- technically teresa will not be gambling, Riewerts is the compulsive gambler

4. That Eric and Teresa cuddle

I would like to confirm that Eric and Teresa will not be cuddling on the trip- again, another misconception: they will be 'making out' which as we all know is something different COMPLETELY

5. That if Teresa was to speak with Riewerts in church they would be
labeled as the ward couple- which is the biggest fallacy of all because they are already labeled the ward couple and I have it on good authority that the Bishop is going to ask them to give the joint RS Priesthood meeting together the 5th Sunday of this month- topic being: LOVE ME BUT DON'T SHOW ME---how we almost didn't make it to the temple.

Again, Sister Jagard my apologies.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Captian Obvious to Mike Huckabee, Come in Huckabee

I'm sure you've seen the ad. If not here it is below. It's not the ad that I have issues with, it's Huckabee's response to the blatant cross in the background. When I saw the ad, I thought it was a bold move to put a cross in the background of a political spot- not one that I'd make, but then I found out it was 'unintentional' Taken from CNN.COM:

"Actually I will confess this, if you play this spot backwards it says ‘Paul is Dead, Paul is Dead, Paul is Dead,’” the presidential candidate joked to reporters in Houston Tuesday. “So the next thing you know, someone will be playing it backwards to find out the subliminal messages that are really there.”

The former Arkansas governor said the spot was last-minute and ad-libbed: “They had a bookshelf behind me, a bookshelf. So now I have these people saying, ‘ahhh there was a subtle message there,’” said Huckabee. “….I never cease to be amazed at the manner in which people will try to dissect the simplest messages..."

First, the message is not subtle, it's glaring. The cross literally glows in the background. Second: Do we want a president that didn't notice the gleaming cross directly behind him in his Christmas/political ad? Do we want a president who's staff didn't notice the cross? Either Huckabee is A- Lying and is using humor to deflect the attack or B- Misses the obvious and hires stupid people. But hey, he's quick with his wit, I think he'd be better suited to host late night tv than lead the free world. I consider missing the obvious and hiring idiots disqualifiers for the position of commander in chief.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Fabulous Item of the Week- August Rush

We've been having a hard time finding movies we want to see this Holiday season. If you're in the same boat, and haven't seen August Rush- now you've got something to do Friday night. I’m a sucker for Robin Williams and that cute kid from Finding Neverland. I love, love, love this movie. It could have easily added a sex scene and chose not to, which is rare. The plot is too mature for children, but appropriate for teenagers and their parents. The movie is slow at times, and predictable, but the beauty of the film and the music, the wonderful music compensate for all flaws.

I don’t like Chick Flicks. I'd rather listen to William Hung's Christmas album than watch movies like Hope Floats and The Notebook. Live Free Die Hard was my favorite 2007 film until August Rush. This is by no means a 'girly' flim. I did watch most of the movie with tears streaming down my face (which doesn’t say much, this is the same girl who cried during the preview for I Am Sam)when the closing credits were rolling, you could hear the sniffles of the audience. Great 'date night' movie. You leave the theater feeling good.

Monday, December 10, 2007

You Say Tomato...

A number of perfect strangers have told me with authority that I pronounce Poinsettia incorrectly. Looks like everywhere outside of Southern California people pronounce it Poinsetta, minus the i. Spell my name incorrectly or think I'm male due to the unisex nature of my name, no biggie- but mock me for the proper pronunciation of a Christmas flower originating from my home town, (Poinsettias originated in Encinitas California, hence the Poinsettia Bowl)- I'm ready to put my green belt in action and start throwing fists. Oh yes, I have a green belt in Tae Kwon Doe, which is pretty much a black belt. (the ranking goes Black, Brown, Red, Purple, Green, so you see, I'm deadly) Once I ordered a Gyro (yee-ro) and the waitress said with disdain, "It's pronounced Giero". Utahans should never correct anyone one else on their pronunciation, just as I should never correct anyone on their spelling.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Everyone Needs the Power of Blog

Blogging was quickly adopted by the ‘I, ME’ generation. Blogging in many regards has been labeled as a hobby in which only the self-absorbed practice. In our vanity we place our favorite foods, movies, books and recommendations, or endless pictures of our children on the World Wide Web because we think we matter and others care. That being said- I think everyone should blog. Here's why:

Blog is a Convenient Conversation
It’s 6:00 on a Saturday morning and you can see what’s going on in your old roommate’s life by logging on to her blog, later on that day around noon, some one else thinks something you have said is exceptionally clever, and they make a comment back- in essence we are all having a large conversation, at our own convenience.

The ability to post comments allows others to participate- it’s like a conversation around the water cooler at work. Unlike email which is a two way conversation, a blog is 10 way conversation, where not only the poster interacts with the reader, but those making comments interact with each other as well.

If you look at a blog as a conversation not an essay, it’s natural that everyone should have conversations, which is why you should blog.

Blog is an Easy Way Maintain Friendships
I talk to mission companions, lost friends, and extended family almost every day through blog, a comment here or a comment there between us and we keep in touch. It doesn’t require the formalities of an email, or the effort of a phone call, log in- read what the other has to say and make a comment.

Who wouldn’t like to keep tabs on their friends, and maintain valuable friendships? Which is why you should blog.

Blog Brings a New Kind Of Friend
Blog has redefined friendship for me. Just as we have work friends, gym friends, church friends, I now have blog friends. An online friendship with people that I may or many not ever physically meet- but I enjoy their candor and banter in text.

Who doesn’t want new friends? Which is why….

Blog Creates a Sense of Community
Many of us feel alone in some feelings and sentiments. Be it the new mother who feels trapped at home or the single guy who has built his life perfectly but can’t find a mate- it’s a world where you can know that you are not alone. Posting your feelings, worries and fears for your internet community to help support you (i.e. When are you going to Have a Baby). You’re angry about something, you have a platform, an outlet- and most likely you’ll find that there are many people out there that agree. Blogging is another way to connect you with your fellow humans, which is why you should blog.

One Blog Can Make a Difference
I found someone to cater my housewarming party, some of my blog comments were recently discussed in an individuals health care class, I’ve been able to help people see a different opinion on some interesting topics, and when I was ticked off at a corporation, the corporate powers found my blog on their own, and my opinions were heard. I’ve been blogging for about 6 months now and recently I’ve discovered that my nobody blog with its 6 readers can make a difference.

Quit being a passive reader, go to typepad or blogspot, log in and start blogging- many people choose a topic to blog about be it politics, faith, or cooking- but you don’t need a theme (as I obviously haven’t chosen one) blog about you, what matters to you, what drives you crazy and what you absolutely love. If starting your own blog seems too overwhelming start making comments on your friends blogs with a bit more frequency, join the conversation. In 6 months time you might look back and be surprised at the power of blog.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Fabulous Item of the Week- Pandora

A number of you are going to say I'm pretty slow on the take, as Pandora has been around for a while.

Customized listening- you build your own radio stations. Choose an artist you like- say Dean Martin, and then the station will choose artists to add to your radio station LIKE Dean Martin. If you don't like a certain song- give it a thumbs down and the station will never play that song ever again.

Love a particular tune? Type in the song name and Pandora will build a radio station around it.

Best part- Pandora is FREE.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Invisible Hand Does Laundry

My mom was a helicopter pilot and an artist. What did she do with her free time? Laundry. I never saw her fly and she used her artistic skills to help her kids with school projects. However, doing the laundry and cooking permitted her to do what was most important to her, hang with her kids.

As a teenager I thought, “Why on earth would I want to spend the rest of my life cleaning up after people? There has to be a better way” About the same time in high school economics I learned about the invisible hand. Society functions at its best when every one specializes in what they’re good at, and then engages in trade. Why can’t I, as a mother, do the same?

I do not cook, I do not clean, I do not scrap book, I do not bake, I am a terrible homemaker. I can rip it on a snowboard, I can negotiate, I manage finances, I know how to get a job easily and help others to do the same and I can sell software. It seems counter productive for my plan in life to be a traditional ‘homemaker’

So why not apply Adam Smith’s economic philosophy to motherhood? Why can’t mothers make money doing what we’re skilled at and then pay others to do what we're not skilled at doing (i.e. laundry)? According to Adam Smith our economy as a whole will benefit. It makes sense, if you sell your crafts on eBay, decide to become a photographer, or practice law, then use that money to employ another to clean your house; you’ve just given someone a job- and created a positive impact on our economy.

It was hard for my mom to give up her life of art and flying to watch Sesame Street and do laundry. I benefited from having a stay at home mom, not because she cleaned the house, but because she was there to listen to me.
In addition, a very good friend of mine’s mom is a doctor, and a single mother. She’d go to work and pick up dinner on the way home; she hired a cleaning lady, so that when she was home her kids got her time and attention. All of her children turned out great- they went to college at Columbia, UCLA and BYU. They became very successful individuals, and kind people. They were in no way impacted because their mother wasn’t the stereotypical ‘homemaker’, because she took time to listen to and talk to her kids. (Side note, this woman has also given a great deal of time and energy to humanitarian efforts in 3rd world countries, and sits on the LDS church’s medical board)

If you like to iron, clean and cook- I applaud you. I know there are thousands of women who have chosen to stay at home and do chores they hate in order to be there for their children, which I admire greatly. I'm not that strong- I'd go nuts. With telecommuting, is it still required that to be at home with your kids means you must do housework? Is there a reason why the invisible hand can’t apply to motherhood, and each of us can find a way to specialise in what we do best? Can we be stay at home mothers, but still working moms? As I am not a mother, I don’t know I that I’m the most qualified person to write on this topic- but as a woman, hoping to be a mother- I very much hope that being a good mother has nothing to do with the laundry.

Monday, November 26, 2007

What Blogs Do You Stalk?

I'm in need of some good reading, but I'm sick of meandering through the blogosphere hoping to land on a gem of a blog. I'm asking your help- can you suggest any good blogs?

Random Fact

Did you know that some Native Americans refuse to use the $20 bill because Andrew Jackson's face is on it?

I had no idea until this thankgiving weekend, but it makes a lot of sense. If Lilburn Boggs' face was on a bill, I'd refuse to use it too.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Talking Smack

It’s time- BYU v. U of U football game. For those 2 of my 6 readers that don’t live in Utah, you can’t understand the amount of emotion that goes into this game. Those of us that attended BYU loved BYU, those that attended the U hated BYU. Maybe some of you readers know BYU students that hate the U, I personally don’t know one- and I attended that school for 5 years. However, every U of U graduate I know DESPISES the Y. Their hatred for the Y far out weighs their love for the U. One school is defined by its love, the other by its hate.

Here’s the thing U of U, every one hates the Y- SDSU thinks it’s their big rivalry game, Wyoming has ALWAYS hated us (thanks to your nice onside kick, they now hate you too) and we were once voted the most hated team in the nation. If you think your hatred towards us affects us, it does- we’re inspired by it and encouraged. After the U’s loss last year, I was NOT allowed to bring up the game in certain company because it angered these men- whistling the BYU fight song was enough to get me kicked out of a house. Grown UTE fans cry over a BYU loss. BYU fans will shed no tears- because though we may lose the game, statistics prove that we’ll be going to better bowl than the U anyhow.

Yes, BYU students are self-righteous, smug and think they are getting a superior education to the U students (which is somewhat justified by their higher starting pay upon graduation, and national educational rankings, but still- it’s not like you’re attending Yale)I'm not saying that BYU students are perfect- (though a good number of them think they are) however, statistically we have a much much more successful record than the U.

U of U students walk around with chips on their shoulders feeling like they have to prove that their education is better, their football team is better and because they drink alcohol regularly they are better than those blinded sheep in Provo. (Yes, I do understand that people in Provo party too- but they weren’t voted stone cold sober like 8 years in a row for nothing) If the U could get over this inferiority complex losing wouldn't be so depressing.

I LOVE attending the BYU Uof U games in the U of U stadium. Why? I’m a girl and I talk Smack, not Trash. As Kelly from the office so perfectly described last week- talking trash is ambiguous saying, “Your mama’s so fat she could eat the whole Internet” while talking smack is fact such as “You’re ugly, and I know because I’ve got the evidence Right Here” (You had to see the episode) As a female in a stadium full of Utes, I can hold my own- and with my 20 year old sister by my side we sing the BYU fightsong in a sea of red. There is no victory as sweet as when you are on visitor turf-

I’m ready for Saturday to hear the ever so effective “BYU SUCKS” chants from the Utes (and you guys wonder why BYU students feel smug in their quality of their education) or the original “BY WHO?” Common- if your really don’t know who Brigham Young is, and you’re attending the University of Utah- you may have a solid case for getting your tuition back.

This Saturday I challenge the Ute fans to criticize BYU with a bit more tenacity and cleverness- show us that your state funded education has paid off and put together a sentence that involves more than two words, and a vocabulary that expands beyond four letters. So when that arrogant brunette and her 20 year old sister say it’s too bad Urban Meyer dropped you like a bad prom date-and asking you how many conference titles or national championship titles your team holds (yes I still live in 1984), you’ll have something a bit more effective to respond with.

Monday, November 19, 2007

No Longer an Opinon, It's Now a Fact

Look where Utah Ranks versus where California Ranks....

Click Here For Driving Stupid

Thanks Chelsea

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Sweet Revenge

In High School there was a girl in my early morning class that I did not get along with- she was self-absorbed, snotty and slightly over-weight. She was unkind, had weight issues, so every day I gave her my doughnut.

When I worked at the BYU Cougar Eat in the Ice Cream area, I’d get the occasional Abercrombie Zombie come to buy a blizzard- because she annoyed me, she got extra brownies in her blizzard.

I managed a Juice Bar called Nectars next door to what use to be Power House Gym, in Provo Utah. One day the bosses’ girlfriend came in, annoying, demanding and bossy, and said she wanted to eat healthy, and then ordered a chocolate peanut butter smoothie.

I then proceeded to put in a bit of milk, a ton of ice cream, three HEAPING tablespoons of peanut butter- some Hershey’s syrup and topped it off with 2 scoops of Weight Gainer 2000 (2000 calories per scoop) Estimated Caloric Intake: 5,000 Calories and 42 Grams of Fat

She said it was the best smoothie she had ever tasted. After I quit she’d come up to me on campus and tell me that no-one could make a chocolate peanut butter smoothie like I could. No one.

Sure my friends think I’m mad at them if I give them a plate of brownies, and those small instances of calorie sabotage had virtually no effect on these girls- but I felt like I was bringing balance to the universe. I don’t think revenge is the proper word, revenge conjures up images of angry women blowing up their ex-husbands’ sports cars. It’s not so much as revenge as giving Karma a hand.

It’s no surprise that my favorite literary work is The Count of Monte Cristo. The book is about the most brilliant, well thought out and perfectly executed revenge (it’s nothing like the movie).

So now I’m all grown up... kind of. Nine times out of ten I figure Karma will work things out on her own, maintaining a live and let live philosophy. Living a life of vengeance is unfulfilling and stressful. However, every once in a while, the only thing that will bring peace is giving Karma a hand, and bringing equality back to the universe. My universe came back to balance yesterday when the manager at Equity Title called me and said, “I wanted to let you know that we’re recording your title today, DESPITE what you wrote on you blog” and hung up on me.

Yes, the universe is right again, and I didn’t even have to buy her a doughnut.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Equity Title = Pure Evil

Re-financing and purchasing a home are stressful events, and over the past month Brent and I have been dealing with a title company which has made every step of the process as painful and cumbersome as possible. Just when you think they couldn’t get any more incompetent- BAM! They out do themselves- over, and over, and over again. One would assume the finance and real estate industry would require people to pay attention to small details like dates, closing costs, a lien on the property and that my parents aren’t dead. (Long Story) My question is, how can we exact financial repercussions on Equity Title for their astronomically poor service? (You’d get bored with the details)

Management with in the title company doesn’t care- they only value their relationships with lenders and real estate agents that bring them the chumps to make change of title.

I’m tempted to scratch on gas station bathroom walls Equity Title = Satan, maybe I should just target bathroom walls in Real Estate Offices.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Crazy Old Bat

Who takes their senile mother on the campaign trail with them?

How much of the AZ population is LDS?

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Dr. Laura, Me and Pornography

I had just found out that the guy I was dating was addicted to pornography, and was sitting in my car dumbfounded- How do I make my feelings about forgiveness correlate with my skin crawling at the thought of porn? I couldn’t handle listening to trite lyrics on FM radio, but I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, so I switched to AM and heard, “If you have a question for Dr. Laura , give her a call at….” I picked up my cell phone.

DL: “You’ve reached Dr. Laura”
Me: “Hi, Dr. Laura. Here’s the situation, I’ve been dating this guy for about a month, he’s very sweet and very kind”
DL: “BUT?”
Me: “He’s exceptionally thoughtful, one of the nicest guys I’ve dated”
DL: “BUT?”
Me: “He’s addicted to porn”
DL; “Dump him”
Me; “Shouldn’t I work with him on this”
DL: “Look sweetheart, you’re not married to him, this isn’t your problem- it’s his. You don’t want to take this issue into a relationship”
Me; “But he’s so nice”
DL: “You’re being SCHMOOSHED. You’re schmoozable. Looking at porn is one of the most self-absorbed, selfish acts on the planet. Dump him, get out of the relationship. RUN!”
Me: “That sounds like the right answer, Thanks Dr.Laura.”
DL: “You’re welcome honey, and stop dating losers”

This conversation was the beginning of a 3 year rampage I had against porn. I'm still anti-porn but in my single years I was given the nickname "The Pornanator" I felt it was my civic duty to educate every lds single woman out there on the evils of dating porn addicts, and the statistics associated with porn. When I worked at BYU Library Security, a big part of our job was to catch guys looking at porn in the BYU library. If any of you were ever in a relief society class with me post 2002, you probably have heard my anti-porn soapbox. I apologize for the redundancy.

After dating 3 porn addicts, I formulated a way to find out if a guy had a porn problem. It is a very specific question- it isn’t “have you looked at porn?” or ‘Do you have a porn problem’ the exact question to ask is “When was the Last time you looked at porn?”

Don't be tempted to soften this question, by asking if he's had a problem with porn- or anything else- the wording is key WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME you looked at porn. Because I do believe (and statistics will back me up on this) that all guys have been adicted to porn.

You can gauge what kind of a guy he is from his reaction to the question. If he is defensive- he’s out. If he is understanding and commends you for asking such a question because he knows how evil porn is- he’s in. If he says he’s never looked at porn- he’s out. If he grows silent and said that was a trial he had to deal with when he was 17- he’s good. One guy welled up with tears, turned bright red and talked about how it popped up last week when he was on the internet and mis-typed an address, he was defenitly in.

The guy in your life isn’t super special, he's a man. Ask him. Don’t ask if he has a problem, ask him when the last time was that he looked at porn- BEFORE you get emotionally attached.

If the prophet has to talk to the men about this every General Conference, wouldn’t it be prudent of us as women, especially single women looking for a mate, to be on the offensive? Too many marriages are destroyed due to pornography- you’ve got to go into the union with open eyes. It takes courage to ask this question, so ask it now, unless of course, you want to talk to Dr. Laura. I'm sure I could find her phone number for you.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

When are you going to have a BABY?

“Dude, you’re old, when are you going to have a baby?” My gut response for the past 18 months has been, “I live life on my OWN timeline and no one is going to peer pressure ME in to having a child, just because I’m 30!” I watched mothers in airports struggling with their children, looking like they hadn’t combed their own hair for days, thinking “Man I’m not sure I want to do this” I felt sorry for the 19 year old girls pushing around their two children in malls because they never got back pack Europe. I looked at every blasted Ensign article that talked about women that gave up their career for children as propaganda.

Paula Abdul , 45 recently said she’s entered the next phase of her life and wants to get pregnant- and with modern medicine, why not? You’re only single once- might as well live it up and extend single life for as long as possible and you’re only married and childless once- why not extend that phase as well? (not that I'm advocating Paula as any sort of role model)

There is one other thing about a child- once you get pregnant- THERE IS NO TURNING BACK. There is absolutely nothing more permanent in the world than having a child. You are officially a parent FOREVER. I got married at 29, Brent was 33, we’re not the type of people to jump on commitment quickly.

I woke up one day, and everything changed. My maternal instincts have overtaken all logic and now, I have a deep need to put on 50 lbs, and shoot a crying, pooping, needy object out of my body. Don’t ask me why or how- in the battle between hormones and logic, hormones win every time.

After every Fisher Price commercial on TV I give Brent a look of longing, if there are TWO baby commercials in a row I declare that it must be a sign.

I make googly faces at children where ever we are, in Sam’s Club, in traffic, and in church, last Sunday I got a funny look from the 2nd counselor because he caught me playing peek a boo during the rest hymn.

I get extremely excited when my friends post pictures of their children on their blogs, when my brother sent pictures of his daughter, I welled up with tears.

Typical conversation between Brent and I:
“Have I said it today?”
“No, You haven’t”
“Ok, I’m going to say it now.”
“Do you have to say it every day?”
“If I don’t say it every day it’s going to build up inside and we’ll have to have another talk”
“Fine Say it”
Kory then gets in her whiny tone “I want a baby”
“That’s nice, what do you want for dinner”

Yesterday, after a particularly hard day of work, Brent came home and said, “Work was awful. Everything is ok now, because I get to come home to you.” I slyly slip in “Imagine how rewarding it’s going to be when you come home to your loving wife AND adorable daughter who’s going to give you a big hug and be so happy you’re home.” Ok, so maybe it wasn’t that sly.

“What do you want for Christmas?”
“A Baby”
“Um, that’s out of our price range.”
“No it’s not, it’s free”

The baby battle is officially ON. Brent’s afraid to get pregnant because his job is up in the air, and he’s trying to be financially smart. I say, that you have to have faith before you receive blessings.

My friend Travis says Brent will buckle when I hit the breaking point. My mom thinks it’s my choice, not Brent’s since I have to be pregnant.

Women- any advice? Words of wisdom? Anything I should do while we don’t have children? Men- your thoughts? Best way to convince Brent that having a baby is going to be the best thing that ever happened to him?

The other alternative is to seek out opportunities to be around children that really annoy me. I probably should have jumped on that nursery calling, I could have routinely killed all of these maternal instincts every Sunday.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

I was reading a political blog that I typically don't agree with and found this gem- Props to Edwards for finally acting like a leader and calling Hillary out on her BULL.

Friday, November 2, 2007


I have been tagged and in order to not offend the tagging community I will comply with terms in said Tag post. 'TAGS' are chain letters of the blogosphere, except you don't have to send a pair of underwear to the person who tagged you. Six facts about myself:

1. I can sing Row Row Row Your Boat by myself, in rounds.

2. I have fallen on the treadmill at the gym TWICE this week and scraped the same knee both times.

3. I love puppets.

4. I buy maternity clothing on sale, even though I’m not pregnant.

5. The Great Muppet Caper is in my top 5 favorite movies of all time.

6. All I've had to eat today is left-over halloween candy.

I’m suppose to tag six other people, I think most of you have already been tagged, I'll tag Lori three times (that means she has to post 18 facts about herself), along with Angela Riddle, and Elvis Costello. I leave my last tag as open ended meaning if you're reading this and you haven't been Tagged yet- tag you're it.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Fabulous Item of the Week- Chocolate

Not just any chocolate, but a chocolate that once you taste it, your mouth will find a Recess Peanut Butter Cup offensive. It becomces unthinkable to waste valuable calories on peanut M&Ms. Godiva? Please. Ghirardelli? Might as well eat brown crayons. Sees? Amatuers.

Chuao Chocolates comes in a close second. Chuao is extremely unique in flavor and tastes, HQ is in Encinitas, so they do have the home court advantage. But no amount of wierd chocolate combinations (Prickly pear tahini enrobed in dark chocolate topped with sesame seed décor) can compete of the simple goodness of Lake Chaplain Chocolates. I was introduced to these morsels of heaven by the book Candy Freak (with a title like that, how could one NOT buy the book)

It's been a hard month, you deserve a treat. Splurge on yourself, and buy a five star bar. Happy Halloween.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Yo VIP, Let's Kick It*

Vanilla Ice, in concert for FREE- and we had backstage passes. Sure he was playing in a town where gun shots ring out like a bell, where you hit the ground and all you hear is shells, but this was ICE ICE BABY! The seventh grade Kory would have been so proud. The concert was timely, as I have recently incorporated the term “wiggidy wiggidy wack” back into my vocabulary.

Who goes to a Vanilla Ice Concert at a bar named Teazers in Ogden, Utah aside from 2 Mormon couples in their 30’s? I wondered the same thing myself-

Your dad was there

Ice Ice Baby too old, too old

Girls were old and fat wearing less than bikinis. They were probably hoping to see those Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis. Making you look at pictures of those old skanks wouldn't be right, but this is how Brent and Bart looked most of the night.

It was appropriate that the opening act consisted of the world's worst white rappers,PacMan and Sicko - We weren't ready for these chumps on the wall, the were probably acting ill 'cause they're so full of eight balls.

Who did we NOT see?

There was a problem and Ice didn’t solve it. We waited 2 ½ hours to for the DJ to revolve it- the air was like a chemical spill, and those 40 year old skanks wouldn’t chill. Our ears had been assaulted by the worst opening act in history, why we remained there was still a mystery. Our clothing wreaked of cheap perfume and cigarettes, and at 11:30 we were told it was going to be another 20 minutes. Though he may be deadly when he plays a dope melody anything less than the best for us is a felony. As Mr. Van Winkle says, “Love it or Leave it”, we weren't lovin' it, so we said, “Yo, let’s get out of here”

The next time you see your mom, tell her I said ‘Word’.

*If you were born after 1985 or before 1965, this post will seem incoherent and totally ridiculous

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Why Do We Hate The Rich?

My grandfather was a high school physics teacher, and he loved teaching. One Christmas his kids asked for a swimming pool, and he decided to build it himself. He negotiated with subcontractors, did some research and built his own swimming pool. Neighbors and friends started asking him to build their pools, and my grandpa realized that he could make more money building pools than teaching physics. My grandpa Steimle slowly became an innovator in the swimming pool industry and started the most awarded swimming pool company in the U.S.- California Pools and Spas.

Starting his own company, didn’t make him rich at first, but in his later years he was able to provide a comfortable lifestyle for his family. Never ostentatious, he always was out looking for a deal- milking his senior citizen discount for all it was worth. He donated a great deal of money to charities and organizations, making huge strides for the City of Hope. His financial success not only benefited him but the community as well.

My grandfather worked hard, was innovative, and in turn reaped financial rewards. It’s self-reliance that made him successful not looking for the hand-out. (For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting me:I did not inherit some swimming pool fortune- due to a Y chromosome my grandfather's company is in 'other' hands. We'll just leave it at that.)

I have a friend who’s father is brilliant,hilarious, and very financially successful. He didn't inherit his wealth, but gained it through hard work, education, and tenacity. His family gives a great deal of money to charity, they are exceptionally generous and his daughters have the biggest hearts I’ve ever met. Again, his financial gain has benefited the less fortunate.

We all have sympathy for the poor, but you can’t ignore that the world needs Bill Gates, not just for software, but for his charitable contributions- his foundation. If you look around the best way to donate service is not to bake a casserole, but to donate money- and who has the money? The wealthy.

Why do we begrudge the well-off? Why is it when flames ravage a wealthy community in southern California people lack empathy because those that own the homes have wealth? Is it a mere case of the haves and the have nots?

The majority of evacuees in San Diego have not turned to the Government for help, they’ve turned to themselves, to friends and to family. Only ¼ of all evacuees are in government facilities. Is it because they have money that they are not in government facilities- or is it because they are not in government facilities that they have money?

The only way to escape poverty is to do it yourself, those that turn to the government for help will always be reliant upon others generosity and will never escape their poverty. Those that think they can do things themselves, taking responsibility for their own lives will be successful. By no means do I begrudge those that have had to take refuge in government facilities, for some there is no other option- but the difference between San Diego and other parts of the country is that turning to the government is not the first option, it's a last resort.

After hearing some comments this week about the lack of sympathy towards those loosing of their homes due to their financial status I ask: Why hate the rich and take joy in their misfortune, when the best way each of us can help the world right now is to write a check? It's the wealthy that contribute the most financial resources to the poor. These people pay far more taxes, and give a great deal more to charity than you or I ever could. We loose the wealthy, we loose welfare, we loose social security, we loose hand-outs. Before you take joy in the fires, realize that its your meal-ticket that's burning.


Thank you for your concern. It means a lot to me. Thought I'd let you know that my parent's home, Lori's condo, Jennifer Johnson Zuffinetti and Amy Johnson Jones' parent's house is ok. The Johnson home was the one that was the most likely to burn, it was in the thick of all of the fires.

It's interesting, I've read a few of the message boards here in Utah, hoping to read words of encouragement and it's interesting to read people thinking that fires happen every year in San Diego and that those that live there were pretty much asking for it.

Since 1979, when my family first moved to San Diego there have been two huge fires that I can remember- in 1996 when it chared my street and we came very close to loosing our house, and just a few years ago. The first of which was started by illegal immigrants living in the canyon behind my house.

If everyone refused to live where there is the potiental for natural disaster where would we live? There are hurricanes in Florida, Tornados in the mid-west, floods in Texas, Drought in Arizona and Nevada, Utah is on a fault line, so where should we all move?

Luckily, I only run into these morons on messages boards, and not in real life. My neighbors and friends are logical and thoughtful, and kind. Thank you for all of your prayers and concern. I well up with tears when I hear that other states are sending fire fighters, redcross workers and financial aid to San Diego.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I Still Wish I Was In San Diego

I don't know what's harder, watching your childhood go up in flames on television or in person. San Diego is the center of the universe- or at least my universe. I have a better understanding of the emotions that flowed during Katrina. I understand why Harry Conick Jr. went on tour giving all proceeds to the rebuilding of New Orleans, Elen Degeneres spends time promoting new businesses in New Orleans, and the hords of people that want to move back to a city that is covered in mold and prone to disaster. Now nature's wrath has been let loose on my town.

I'm not going to go on tour to promote my hometown, people tend to pay me NOT to sing, and my talk show deal has some minor details to work out. So all I can do is ask you, my six readers, if you could offer a prayer for San Diego. Ask that the winds might stop just long enough to contain the fire, I'd be very grateful. My friend's homes are encircled by flames- the sky is cloaked in black soot, and one of our countries prettiest cities is covered in ash. If you're planning a vacation next year, think about giving your tourism dollars to San Diego, or New Orleans.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Basic Econ Tames Wild 10 Year Olds

A helpful hint for any of you who teach Primary

Sunday, Brent was called to team teach the 10 year olds in church. He was cautioned that these kids were the rowdiest group and he may have a hard time keeping them under control. Brent smiled and said he wouldn’t have a problem, he had a secret weapon- Candy Potential.

This method of controlling children in church is the creative genius of my brother. Each Sunday he brought a full size candy bar for each child, put the candy bars on the table in front of them and let them know that this was their candy potential. When they misbehaved, my brother would open their candy bar and take a bite out of it, - many a child would leave his class with a half eaten candy bar in hand.

Brent used this tactic Sunday. He placed two pieces of candy in front of each child, telling them that they had the potential of getting two pieces of candy, but if they acted up, he was going to eat the candy. The ring leader of the group started misbehaving, Brent threatened to eat his candy- the boy said, “Right you’re not going to eat my candy” and Brent said, “Oh, I’m not?” and plopped the chocolate in his mouth. The boy then said, “Well, you’re not going to eat the other one”- and seconds later the child’s last bit of candy was gone. The kid’s eyes widened, they sat in silence for the rest of the class.

Looks like we'll be investing in full-size candy bars on a weekly basis.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Is The Office Jumping the Shark?

Is the office becoming less funny as this season goes on? It can be funny for half an hour, but the full hour is lacking. Each episode grasping for plot lines and struggling for jokes. What's happening?

Steve Carrell gets too much play, Rain Wilson doesn't get enough credit (Though the Beet Farm last night dragged). Take away Dwight Shrute, the show is flat and painful. It's the lack of the Dwight- Jim relationship that has taken away the entertainment value this season. And Jan, I hate Jan- all plot lines involving Jan must go. Ryan and Kelly too- I find them cumbersome. Keep Toby.

I hope it's just a phase, and it gets the old humor back. I'd hate to look back a year from now and think that Pam and Jim hooking up is when the show jumped the shark. There's just not enough good comedy on television to let this show go just yet.

*For those that are younger- the term 'Jumping the Shark' stems from Happy Day's, a show that was great and very entertaining, until they had the episode when The Fonz jumps a shark, on waterskiis- and it was all down hill from there.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Fabulous Item of the Week...

If you enjoy getting naked and having a stranger rub you- look into Massage Envy.

Massage Envy is the BMG Music Club for massage. You sign up for a membership, the first month is $79, which includes a 1 hour massage. Each month there after they charge you $49- which includes the monthly hour massage. Additional massages are $39.

A 3 month membership- paid upfront is $200- a little more than what you spend on one massage plus tip at a spa. I get 3 massages for that $200. Saturday the husband wanted to go, a guest is $39, we paid a total of $100 for the two of us, including tips.

You don't get the spa atmosphere, you don't get a robe and slippers, the orange flavored water or the steam room, but to save over 50%, I can live with out a robe.

Give it a try, the first massage is no commitment and only $39.
Massage for the Masses

Thursday, October 11, 2007

How to Avoid a Church Calling

When asked if you'll accept a calling, say maybe- disappear from church for 2 weeks due to 'work'- shabam! when you get back, they've filled the calling with some one else. Dodged That Bullet

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Senator Harry Reid Leaves The Axis Of Evil

Call me a flip flopper- but yesterday Senator Reid was in my Axis of Evil and now he's out. I still don’t believe the government is our friend, that the war is lost, George W. caused hurricane Katrina, talk radio should be banned, nor should we be giving 50% of our income in taxes which help to provide education and health care to illegal immigrants that burn our flag, refuse to learn the national language and spit on our country. However, I no longer think Harry Reid is evil- misguided maybe, full of clichés and hot air, yes- Manipulative- dead on. Standard democrat- absolutely. Evil? - Not really.

Here’s my summary of his words on how his faith and public service correlate:

“I’m a democrat because I am Mormon, not in spite of it”

Great line Harry, but like most politians, you give a tag line, a catchy phrase but no explanation as to why or how. I liked where you were going with this statement- but prove it. How is it that Mormonism made you a democrat?

“Social Security is the most successful social program in the world”

If you say so Mr. Reid, but it’s common knowledge that it’s beyond bankrupt- what about that bankruptcy? If it’s so successful how are we going to keep it around for when WE get old and need it?

“In the times of disaster people have only 3 places to turn, family, the government and God”

The family- agreed. What about the community? What about your church? What about throwing your own hands into the work? This is the crux of why I am not a democrat- I do not see the government as the solution to disaster.

“Government is our friend”

This the dividing line between democrats and republicans, between socialism and capitalism. The founding fathers knew that the government is not our friend, it's a necessary evil.

“Iraq was the worst foreign policy blunder in our nations history”

This statement generated applause, which must have come from freshmen who have yet to take their US history credits.

“I am Pro-Life”

Anyone can say they are pro-life, or pro-choice, but he didn’t prove it. He didn’t talk about his voting record, nor how he has helped the pro-life movement. Probably because he hasn't

“Global Warming..blah blah blah..Energy Conservation”

Agreed, agreed- but how are we going to remedy this? A little less conversation a little more action please….

“I hope Mitt Romney is evaluated by his political prowess and not by his religion”

So how did religion affect you Mr. Reid when you ran for office? Did anyone ask you about your underwear? Why haven't we seen "A Mormon in the Senate" on the cover of Newsweek?

Lastly he encouraged the students to get involved in public service, not just religious service. Which is easy to agree with.

Two things I would have liked to have seen- 1- How he corrilates his religon with his stance on homosexual marriage and 2- a Q&A session.

I learned a lot about Mr. Reid- mostly where this idea that the government is our friend and socialism is the ideal came from. He had extremely humble beginnings, parents had no education, he hitch-hiked to High School. But just as Harry was able to work hard, and leave those humble beginnings- I don't understand why he and his party would like to remove that element of work, and replace it with a hand out.

I'd like the opportunity to hear more political figures, especially those running for office, speak for a 45 minute stretch as to who they are, where they came from with out the media spin. Harry is out of the Axis of Evil, I now see him as more misguided than evil, but Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Rodham and Math are still in.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Captain Happiness to Speak At BYU Tomorrow

U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to present BYU forum Oct. 9
Will discuss "Faith, Family and Public Service”

WOW. I'll give my review tomorrow.

BYU has had both Dick Cheney and Harry Reid come to speak- props to the Y. I'm anxiously anticipating hearing his thoughts on his faith and his public service, and how they can possibly coinside.

Maybe this will inspire mainstream media to MENTION that we already have a high profile Mormon in government, and electing another one isn't ground breaking.

How is it that Newsweek writes an entire article on Mitt Romney and Mormonism, and a Mormon in the White House but fails to mention Harry Reid? Where were the news breaking headlines when Reid ran for office? Did anyone ask him about his underwear? Baptisms for the dead? Anyone?

Check out KSL.COM or BYU.EDU for the story

Saturday, October 6, 2007

How To Receive More Presents

1. Top of Mind Awareness = More Presents

It's easier to remember the birthdays of the friends and siblings that call often, visit frequently, or respond to emails. Send pictures, or post recent pictures on networking sites, and keep blogs.

2. Big Reaction = More Presents

You like to give gifts to people who show happiness in receiving the gift. Naturally if you make some one really happy with one present, you're more likely to buy them two.

When someone gives you a gift, light up like a Christmas tree.


3. Thankfulness = More Presents

When you have bought some one a present and it hasn’t been well received, your immediate response is along the lines of “ Ungrateful Bast&dD!" No likes giving presents to Ungrateful Bast$%ds.


4. Expecting Presents = LESS presents

Most people don't know it, but it's socially unacceptable to put where a couple is registered in a wedding invitation- it’s a presumptuous act thinking that because some one is attending your wedding that you’re going to receive a present (check an wedding etiquet book-I'm dead on) Those ‘for your convenience the couple is registered at Target' go in bridal shower invites only. Besides doesn't everyone register at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond?

6. Pictures WITH the present = More Presents

This works well with close friends and family, and it’s GOLDEN with baby pictures. If some one sends you a gift, take a picture of your child using that gift and email it to the giver. People seeing you use their gifts, want to give more.

5. Thank You Notes = A Life Time of Presents

The thank you note is a forgotten art of our generation. This tradition of having a generic typed out thank you note given to everyone who attends the wedding with a little white baggie of Jordan Almonds- doesn't cut it.

The thank you note not only makes the giver feel good, but those good feelings you generate with in the giver makes them want to give again.

"Gratitude is a mark of a noble soul and a refined character" and a sign of some one who gets LOTS of presents.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007


"Opportunity knocks frequently, he's just often missed because he's wearing overalls and dressed like work"- Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs

"Work is the miracle by which talent comes to the surface and dreams become reality"-Gordon B. Hinckley

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Adventures in Internet Dating

In January of 2005 I decided it was time to get married, my checklist was completed, my friends were gone- time to find the husband. I wanted to get married at 28 and this was my year. I set a goal to date as much as possible. Huntington Beach doesn't offer a vast supply of driven, successful, LDS men- so I decided to ‘out source’.

Three friends, beautiful women in their early 30’s, met attractive, successful men on an internet networking site- ldslinkup. LDSLinkup is like myspace for mormons, minus the porn. I put a profile on the linkup, and began meeting random LDS guys, at first it was with the intent to find a mate, but it quickly just turned in dating for sheer entertainment value.

There was the sociopath, the guy who had been accused of rape (but was found not guilty by the courts), the stalker, the drunk, and the otherwise personality deficient. Most women that have ventured into the world wide web to expand their social lives have experienced all of these, and worse, there is a story that is particularily entertaining.

I started talking to a guy in Florida on a Wednesday evening, we had instant chemistry, by Friday he decided he HAD to meet me and bought a ticket to fly out Sunday- since we had a few mutual friends, I figured I was safe, he asked if he could camp out on my couch and I said no problem. Stupid, I know stupid. However, I was pretty flattered that after 2 days of conversation I was worth a $660 flight across the country.

Within the first 30 minutes we knew this was a mistake, not just because he didn’t look remotely like his picture, but because he had 4 kids, was an alcoholic and oh yeah, ex-communicated from the church (how a minor thing like that gets left out of conversation…I don’t know) personality wise, he was about as entertaining as rerun of Mama’s Family. I wanted to dump him at bus stop- but his return flight was Monday night.

We suffered through Sunday, I went to bed calling myself an idiot. I woke the next morning with that sick feeling at the bottom of my gut- I had to entertain a stranger for an entire day- who wasn’t cute, funny, moral, or even rich. What happened next was nothing less than a gift from God- he was gone. No note, no message, no voicemail,no text, his bag was gone and so was he. I went out into the street, no sign of the dude. After I checked to make sure nothing was stolen, I erupted with uncontrollable laughter. This had to be the most random experience ever, andI had to immediately share this with everyone. I called friends, none answered. Strangely, the first person I talked to was some other dude I had met on the linkup. We were friends, we had never met, and we talked often. Brent thought the story was hilarious, and immediately called his friends to share with them this internet dating disaster. I never heard from Florida linkup dude again (he did however contact my friend Lori to see if she was interested..).

Eight months later I married Brent.