Monday, October 29, 2007

Yo VIP, Let's Kick It*

Vanilla Ice, in concert for FREE- and we had backstage passes. Sure he was playing in a town where gun shots ring out like a bell, where you hit the ground and all you hear is shells, but this was ICE ICE BABY! The seventh grade Kory would have been so proud. The concert was timely, as I have recently incorporated the term “wiggidy wiggidy wack” back into my vocabulary.

Who goes to a Vanilla Ice Concert at a bar named Teazers in Ogden, Utah aside from 2 Mormon couples in their 30’s? I wondered the same thing myself-

Your dad was there

Ice Ice Baby too old, too old

Girls were old and fat wearing less than bikinis. They were probably hoping to see those Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis. Making you look at pictures of those old skanks wouldn't be right, but this is how Brent and Bart looked most of the night.

It was appropriate that the opening act consisted of the world's worst white rappers,PacMan and Sicko - We weren't ready for these chumps on the wall, the were probably acting ill 'cause they're so full of eight balls.

Who did we NOT see?

There was a problem and Ice didn’t solve it. We waited 2 ½ hours to for the DJ to revolve it- the air was like a chemical spill, and those 40 year old skanks wouldn’t chill. Our ears had been assaulted by the worst opening act in history, why we remained there was still a mystery. Our clothing wreaked of cheap perfume and cigarettes, and at 11:30 we were told it was going to be another 20 minutes. Though he may be deadly when he plays a dope melody anything less than the best for us is a felony. As Mr. Van Winkle says, “Love it or Leave it”, we weren't lovin' it, so we said, “Yo, let’s get out of here”

The next time you see your mom, tell her I said ‘Word’.

*If you were born after 1985 or before 1965, this post will seem incoherent and totally ridiculous


ThomCarter said...

How sad that you left. I am sure that it would have been so fly!

cropstar5 said...

that was impressive. i had no idea one could encorporate so many ice lyrics into a comprehensible commentary. that was wiggidy wiggidy wack!

Sherpa said...

This post brings a tear to my eye.

crazy4danes said...

Sweet post! Too bad you missed the Ice man...I'm sure it would have been fab! :D

Salt H2O said...

Thanks Cropstar- who says I don't use my time at work wisely?

Sherpa- Is that a tear of pain?

Crazy- Yes, today I'm kicking myself for not waiting the extra 1/2 hour to see Ice...just for the bragging rights.

f*bomb. said...

Reading that was like the first time I experienced iambic pentameter.

Steve said...

If this post was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram. Too bad; Mr. Van Winkle must have gotten stuck in traffic on A1A, Beach Front Avenue!

This post is going to make me come back for more!

ThomCarter said...

I also think that his apperance on The Surial Life would have helped him get better gigs than bars in O-Town.

Hilary said...

Are you serious? This was hilarious!!! I would like to see a video of you singing your last paragraph. Did you get to show off your cool dance moves? Vanilla would have been proud. Peace out. Word.

kyle said...

Yo VIP you kicked it with your post. It's like a brand new invention.

You waxed those chumps like a candle.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh….I needed that! I laughed so hard I started crying…the people I work with now officially think I have lost my mind!

Sherpa said...

It was a tear of joy. Oh, that doesn't mean anything really.

No, I caught the lyrics, laughed extremely hard. Between that, the pictures of the crowd at an Ogden bar, the picture of your husband and the other guy in the group, this post was like a chemical spill. Very, very awesome.

Salt H2O said...

Shameless- You made me Google Iambic Pentameter

Thanks Steve, that's dopest compliment I've ever received.

Thom- I agree- Ice could have filled up the UVSC arena at $5 a ticket, easy.

Hil- I did not bust out my award winning dance moves from the 1990's. Sadly, no one with me liked to dance.

Sherpa- I'm glad I could make you laugh, this post appeals to a very specific audience.

f*bomb. said...

Is it ok if I note that this is not the first time Vanilla Vice has been on your blog? I think he's going to need his own topic listing soon...

Salt H2O said...

You're right.

I knew when I first posted that Vanilla Ice Video that I'd have a more appropreate use for it later on! That's why I'm holding on to this MC Hammer clip, just waiting for Hammer time.

k8 said...

i have no words. this was incredible.

Jennifer said...

Well done, my worthy opponent!

The real tragedy of the situation is that you were robbed of the opportunity to hear his follow up to "Ice Ice Baby" called "Hooked." Here's a tasty little sample for your viewing pleasure....

(these are actual lyrics)

" All my partners wanna get next to her
But she ain't down with that
She moves right through 'em
Yea, like paper plates
Tears 'em up and she throws 'em away."

wait...there's more...

"Yo, get tough was your new campaign
Cryin' over a girl, boy, you're insane.
She treats you like a dirty diaper
Use you one time and then she wipes you out"

and the go to line.....

"Fellas, you know what I'm sayin', He's hooked
Ain't got an ounce of mack in him, He's hooked."