Sunday, November 11, 2007
Dr. Laura, Me and Pornography
I had just found out that the guy I was dating was addicted to pornography, and was sitting in my car dumbfounded- How do I make my feelings about forgiveness correlate with my skin crawling at the thought of porn? I couldn’t handle listening to trite lyrics on FM radio, but I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, so I switched to AM and heard, “If you have a question for Dr. Laura , give her a call at….” I picked up my cell phone.
DL: “You’ve reached Dr. Laura”
Me: “Hi, Dr. Laura. Here’s the situation, I’ve been dating this guy for about a month, he’s very sweet and very kind”
Me: “He’s exceptionally thoughtful, one of the nicest guys I’ve dated”
Me: “He’s addicted to porn”
DL; “Dump him”
Me; “Shouldn’t I work with him on this”
DL: “Look sweetheart, you’re not married to him, this isn’t your problem- it’s his. You don’t want to take this issue into a relationship”
Me; “But he’s so nice”
DL: “You’re being SCHMOOSHED. You’re schmoozable. Looking at porn is one of the most self-absorbed, selfish acts on the planet. Dump him, get out of the relationship. RUN!”
Me: “That sounds like the right answer, Thanks Dr.Laura.”
DL: “You’re welcome honey, and stop dating losers”
This conversation was the beginning of a 3 year rampage I had against porn. I'm still anti-porn but in my single years I was given the nickname "The Pornanator" I felt it was my civic duty to educate every lds single woman out there on the evils of dating porn addicts, and the statistics associated with porn. When I worked at BYU Library Security, a big part of our job was to catch guys looking at porn in the BYU library. If any of you were ever in a relief society class with me post 2002, you probably have heard my anti-porn soapbox. I apologize for the redundancy.
After dating 3 porn addicts, I formulated a way to find out if a guy had a porn problem. It is a very specific question- it isn’t “have you looked at porn?” or ‘Do you have a porn problem’ the exact question to ask is “When was the Last time you looked at porn?”
Don't be tempted to soften this question, by asking if he's had a problem with porn- or anything else- the wording is key WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME you looked at porn. Because I do believe (and statistics will back me up on this) that all guys have been adicted to porn.
You can gauge what kind of a guy he is from his reaction to the question. If he is defensive- he’s out. If he is understanding and commends you for asking such a question because he knows how evil porn is- he’s in. If he says he’s never looked at porn- he’s out. If he grows silent and said that was a trial he had to deal with when he was 17- he’s good. One guy welled up with tears, turned bright red and talked about how it popped up last week when he was on the internet and mis-typed an address, he was defenitly in.
The guy in your life isn’t super special, he's a man. Ask him. Don’t ask if he has a problem, ask him when the last time was that he looked at porn- BEFORE you get emotionally attached.
If the prophet has to talk to the men about this every General Conference, wouldn’t it be prudent of us as women, especially single women looking for a mate, to be on the offensive? Too many marriages are destroyed due to pornography- you’ve got to go into the union with open eyes. It takes courage to ask this question, so ask it now, unless of course, you want to talk to Dr. Laura. I'm sure I could find her phone number for you.