Thursday, November 15, 2007

Sweet Revenge


In High School there was a girl in my early morning class that I did not get along with- she was self-absorbed, snotty and slightly over-weight. She was unkind, had weight issues, so every day I gave her my doughnut.

When I worked at the BYU Cougar Eat in the Ice Cream area, I’d get the occasional Abercrombie Zombie come to buy a blizzard- because she annoyed me, she got extra brownies in her blizzard.

I managed a Juice Bar called Nectars next door to what use to be Power House Gym, in Provo Utah. One day the bosses’ girlfriend came in, annoying, demanding and bossy, and said she wanted to eat healthy, and then ordered a chocolate peanut butter smoothie.

I then proceeded to put in a bit of milk, a ton of ice cream, three HEAPING tablespoons of peanut butter- some Hershey’s syrup and topped it off with 2 scoops of Weight Gainer 2000 (2000 calories per scoop) Estimated Caloric Intake: 5,000 Calories and 42 Grams of Fat

She said it was the best smoothie she had ever tasted. After I quit she’d come up to me on campus and tell me that no-one could make a chocolate peanut butter smoothie like I could. No one.

Sure my friends think I’m mad at them if I give them a plate of brownies, and those small instances of calorie sabotage had virtually no effect on these girls- but I felt like I was bringing balance to the universe. I don’t think revenge is the proper word, revenge conjures up images of angry women blowing up their ex-husbands’ sports cars. It’s not so much as revenge as giving Karma a hand.



It’s no surprise that my favorite literary work is The Count of Monte Cristo. The book is about the most brilliant, well thought out and perfectly executed revenge (it’s nothing like the movie).




So now I’m all grown up... kind of. Nine times out of ten I figure Karma will work things out on her own, maintaining a live and let live philosophy. Living a life of vengeance is unfulfilling and stressful. However, every once in a while, the only thing that will bring peace is giving Karma a hand, and bringing equality back to the universe. My universe came back to balance yesterday when the manager at Equity Title called me and said, “I wanted to let you know that we’re recording your title today, DESPITE what you wrote on you blog” and hung up on me.

Yes, the universe is right again, and I didn’t even have to buy her a doughnut.

19 comments:

Bo and Cindy said...

So, after reading your post, I'm starting to wonder if maybe you had something to do with the 20 pounds I gained in the 4 months we were companions.

Will & Natalie Giddens said...

Kory, I'll have you know I had 15 new posts on my bloglines this morning and yours was the last one I read. It made me laugh out loud! Thanks for helping me start my day out laughing!

Allie said...

The Gerard Depardieu movie version is pretty good. French with english subtitles, but you don't even notice they're speaking french.

Salt H2O said...

Churchy- No, I was a much kinder person as a missionary. Blame completos, epanadas, lard bread and members feeding us like elders. Those 20 lbs took you up to what? A buck o five? And think, men still stoped you in the street with tears in their eyes because of your beauty (literally!)

Remember when you were a greeny and I told some guy you'd marry him if he went to church?

You really need to send me your email address. Click on my profile, then click on email me.

Salt H2O said...

Natalie- Glad I could share the laughter!

Alli- Thanks for the recommendation. I'll add it to my netflix que. I was so FRUSTRAITED watching the most recent movie- why does Hollywood think it can improve on time tested classic literature?

crazy4danes said...

I agree with Alli...the Gerard Depardieu version is pretty darn good, and in my opinion...better than the new one. You have to see it! :)

adam said...

Wow I'm feeling unspophisticated now... I loved the new movie version--but then again, I suppose I had nothing to compare it to.

adam said...

maybe "unspophisticated" is a new word, meaning not familiar with pop-culture...

Aaron, Ari and Baby Dakota said...

Your so funny girl!

Steve said...

Ha, that is pretty funny. And it happens in all food places. I won't even begin to mention some of the things we did at the pizza place. A word to the wise, don't pi$$ off the pizza guy, haha.

Sherpa said...

I don't know, that one day I was companions with Kory, we went to a family that I knew when I was a greenie. Kory "convinced" me to eat her hamburger and mine also. Yeah....speaking of which, I never worked in fast food (i bagged groceries etc) but friends back in Vernal told me some horrific tales about what they used to do when people they didn't like came through where they work. *shudders*

cherylrobin said...

Kory,I must say, great minds think alike! When I worked in the coffee shops in high school I would secretly serve whole milk whenever I felt that the woman asking for nonfat needed a little extra padding. Thanks for helping me erase the guilt I've been carrying around for years! :)

Allie said...

Adam- I haven't seen the new version, but I know someone who could mail you the good version (it's 6 hours long (or so)).

I think it was a miniseries in France.

Salt H2O said...

Cheryl,
My mom and I had a good laugh about your comment- and I could SO see you doing that!

Salt H2O said...

Sherpa- That hamburger story must be a lie- I would NEVER turn down a hamburger in Chile! If I ate a hamburger I wouldn't brush my teeth for days, savoring each morsel lodged between my teeth.

And I wonder why I came home looking like a tank!

f*bomb. said...

So what's it going to take to get you to bake ME a plate of brownies? Not ONCE in our entire years of friendship have you baked me ANYTHING. Get in that kitchen and find a way to hate me, DAMMIT.

cropstar5 said...

you are brilliant.

Salt H2O said...

Alli and Crazy-
Yesterday my husband and I watched 6 hours of subtitles and you're right the Gerard Depardieu version is much better- but dude, they still screwed up and put the Count and Mercedes together at the end. That ticked me off.

6 Hours of subtitles can make your eyes bleed.

Cameron said...

Equity Title? Is their office in Draper? I just closed on a house a couple weeks ago through an Equity Title in Draper. It actually went pretty smoothly. I think it's hilariously amazing that they found your blog post.