Monday, April 28, 2008

Friendship Dilemma

You hang out with your friend of 13 years and her husband. You use to like her husband a lot. He use to be a stand-up guy, with integrity and loved his wife immensely. After hanging out with them recently you realize that this really great guy has morphed into a total tool.

He doesn't respect women, least of all his wife, he's arrogant, vulgar, has no sense of propriety. He takes Viagra, he's proud of it- it's dinner conversation. Every time he opens his mouth you cringe with embarrasement. He surrounds himself with men that suck up to him because he has lots of fun toys, and takes them on trips. His friends aren't nearly as idiodic as he his, but they endure his sexism and stupidity, and think he's pretty cool because of the almighty dollar. He buys his friends.

You see that your friend is uncomfortable with the way her husband talks and acts but she thinks that all men are like that,(I mean, after all his friends think he's the bee's knees) the problem is magnified because she thinks she married up. Her mother is constantly telling her how lucky she is to be married to such a good-looking wealthy guy that likes to travel. You would never say anything to her about her husband because she thinks he's perfect- aside from his reckless spending habits.

Your friend is a wonderful, giving kind person with a good heart who has always been there for you and is a lot of fun. She is one of your oldest friends. Unfortunately, her husband is a douche who you would be glad to see drop off the face of the planet.

Do you just not hang out with them ever again? Do you try to arrange girl nights so that you don't have to see the guy? Is there anything you CAN say? What do you do?


Steve said...

Certain people still talk about "marrying up"?

I don't see any reason you can't have a girls night out. K and her good friend do it periodically, just so they can talk about really girlie stuff without us husbands around. You have to be careful about cutting her husband down though. That could be problematic for you. But the easiest way is to talk up your husband in all the many ways he is NOT like her husband.

Sally said...

How sad. Girl's night out is the only way to deal with this. If she reads your blog, the cat is probably out of the bag.

I had a really dear friend from high school who married someone who is kind of a jerk. She is just such an amazing, wonderful woman. Whenever I think about it it makes me feel just sick.

Ben & Kimberly McEvoy said...


I would pit yourself in her shoes.
she is probably afraid to realize or think there is something wrong in her marriage. I tihnk LDS women ignore problems or hide them b/c they think if they do have issue or problems then it is the same as we need a divorce, or that they are not temple worthy.

We need to be ok in the middle ground between marriage bliss and heading for divorce, all marriages have issues. Some are bigger and take counseling or what ever.

Her husbands transformation probably took years and was unrecognizable to most for several years.

I think considering she is a great friend and a great person. she would like to know/realize/express emotion about it. You guys have been able to communicate over the last 13 years. meet up for lunch, let her get it out. I would frankly tell her "I was so shocked that douche bag was talking about Viagra", "You seemed uncomfortable at dinner the other night, is anything going on?". We have been friends a long time and I just get a vibe something if wrong (like your dork hubby). I would bash the hubby, and I wouldn't brag about yours. for sure let her know yours and other respect their wives, and etc. I think there are things that can be said and need to be.

And definetly have ladies night, I have them 2 to 3 times a month. When you ave kids they will be a survival mechanism. Good Luck!

The mother needs to have her eyes opened!!!!

Ben & Kimberly McEvoy said...

Correction - I meant to type I would NOT bash the hubby . . .

sorry bout that

Vanilla Vice said...

This man is very prideful. He will have a downfall. Mark my words. They always do, and it may be at the peril of his marriage. Whether it's an affair (he is taking all that viagra, he's got to do something...) or losing money to bad judgment, he will have some sort of breakdown. You'll relish in it for 5 minutes and then console your friend.

Why would a healthy man under the age of 60 be proud of taking viagra? You may want to tell him the adverse affects of taking viagra prematurely.

Anyhow...enough man bashing of the douche. Avoid him and hang out with her. She might eventually confront you about it, but she isn't in a new relationship where she wants to only spend time with her "new" husband - he's old news, especially his manhood, cause it doesn't work. I've watched my parents relationships though with other friends, and my mom does a great job of avoiding my dad's douche bag friends, you should be able to keep a friendly "woman only" type friendship without her misogynistic husband gallavanting around with his chronic hard on.

crazy4danes said...

If she is a good friend of yours of so many years I think a nice chat is in order. Girls night out would be great but I think if you are good friends then something needs to be brought up. Not like "your husband is a DOUCHE!" but more like "so what's up with your hubby...he seems different lately?" and take it from there. Most women are not stupid and know when they have a douche hanging on their arm....they just would rather not admit it publicly because they see it as a flaw in themselves.

I have a girlfriend who knows exactly how I feel about her fiance and I think it's nice because when she is having doubts, or she is upset with him she know she can come talk to me without it being a personal admission of her stupidity. She already knows how I feel and we talk about it.

When it comes down to it I think we girls need to have each others backs. We should be able to talk about our problems, including husbands with each other honestly, if we are to call each other good friends. If I have a friend that I cannot do that with then I consider them just someone I know...not a true friend.

Life is tough and we need back-up, true friends should be that. Not judgmental and rude. I find it comforting to know my true friends can come to me with any problem knowing that it won't be laughed at or thrown in their face, but received with an open mind and love because they know I am concerned with their well being. And it goes the other way for me with them too.

Anyways, sorry for the novel, but I think friendship is important and a tough job. Don't just ignore the situation or exclude her, start dealing with it...that's my advice. :)

Salt H2O said...

I don't think people talk about marrying up so much as she thinks "I am SO lucky to have him" because of reasons that are really quite trite. I think trying to just hang out with her and avoid her husband is the only answer.

I think this happens a lot. Girls with low-self esteem latching on to guys that treat them poorly. She doesn't read my blog so I'm in the clear there!

I'd have to tread very lightly if I decided to approach this topic with her. I've mentioned the Viagra thing and she got pretty defensive and then had an answer along the lines of being unable to control her husband.

Vanilla- You are very wise. My mom loves your comments. The Viagra thing leaves me some comfort in knowing that he'll be impotent in 10 years. The last line of your post killed me. You are hilarious.

Ange- I appreciate your comments. I'm sure she does know her husband is a douche, I can see it in her eyes but she's vey much in a state of total denial. She's a stand by her man kind of guy. I think in this situation I have to continue to be her friend, avoid the topic all together and avoid her husband like the plauge.

cropstar said...

Amen to what everyone else already said. Girls night. It's the only way to do it. Sucks to have to watch your friend continue to put up with this situation and not be able to say much. I'm sure she needs your friendship!

Daisy Paige said...

Definitely up the girls' nights, which equal ample personal time for her to vent if she needs to. How can she open up if she feels she's lost that one-on-one connection?

Once you two start hanging out by yourselves, she'll probably mention it, especially if you share something of a personal nature first, and you can ask follow-up questions to help her unload. The one thing I wouldn't do is harp on Brent to her because you don't want to inadvertently reiterate her misconception that 'all guys are like that.'

crazy4danes said...

What a tough situation...sounds like you've got it figured out though. GOOD LUCK!!! :)

f*bomb. said...

You treat her the way she DESERVES to be treated...Just because he is uncouth does not mean that he is a bad person or that he mistreats her behind closed doors. Maybe you have different expectations of how a marriage or relationship should be- that's why it's good YOU didn't marry him.

Keep your disgust to yourself and be thankful you have a husband you like to be around. He's the only one who matters to you anyway. And if (for some reason) their relationship should ever turn for the worst, you will still have that supportive relationshp of trust and love with your beloved friend, and she'll know exactly who she can depend upon.

haddocks7 said...

I've got a best friend that married a loser too Kory! Life sucks for her!

email said...

Best to just visit with the friend and have a good time. Be open to listening but don't open any conversation that will make the visit unpleasant. Always be a source of "good news" ... friends need that sort of thing.

Karrianne said...

Wow, I was actually thinking we had the same friends for awhile, except the man I know can't keep a job.

Sadly, our husbands were closer than we were and if I started planning girls nights, he wanted to hang out with my husband, and my husband begged me not to make him hang out with him another night. After several years of trying to figure out a solution, we drifted apart from both of them. We're not too upset.