Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Don't Look Before You Leap- way too personal thoughts on motherhood
I'm not one to share my deepest thoughts and feelings on the soapbox. I'd prefer to mock things society generally accepts or enrage U of U students. But apparently being out of my first trimester my only thoughts revolve around this thing inside of me...and the soapbox is doomed to be a temporary a mom blog.(not that there's anything wrong with that)
I started responding to comments in the last post and realized it was a ridiculously long for a comment so I turned it into a post-mostly for my own therapy.
I've always been amazed by how lightly people consider getting pregnant. There is NOTHING in the world more permanent than having a child. As soon as it's done it's done. There's no going back.
I thought reproduction was one big hoax, people encouraging me to get pregnant because misery loves company. I love it when my friends have kids and I can play with them, buy them presents and then when they're cranky give them back, so naturally they'd want me to have kids so they could do the same. Seriously, have you ever seen a mother on an airplane with her kids and HAPPY?
I've heard a number of grandparents talk about how grandkids are way better than children. So why not spend your life maintaining your sanity and enjoying other people's children?
In addition, I see teenagers that are cranky, selfish and ungrateful (though I'm sure I WAS NEVER like that). I've seen great parents go above and beyond for kids that decided to go a different way and pretty much trash their lives. I've witnessed the financial drain of these leeches. Why would I want to do that to myself?
My mom says having kids was the most fun she's ever had-coming from a helicopter pilot that played well into her thirties, it's a pretty bold statement- and 45% of the time I believe her.
I do know that everything I'm proud of doing involved a great deal of pain, struggle and sacrifice- and I can't think of a job that fits that description more than that of parent.
Waiting until the age of 31 I've had a lot of time to watch my friends and peers with their kids, watch families that flourish and those that struggle. I won't lie, I'm scared (I think that's the main reason I vomit every time I even think about visiting the OB, look at maternity clothes or think about life after the baby is born- honestly, it's kind of weird, I have a unique ability to vomit on demand, it's totally psychological.)
When my husband and I saw the NPR article we laughed. We joke around about things like that but only because it masks our fear. It's the most life altering event we'll ever experience. Why is it when everything is fabulous in my life I chose to do something like this and mess it all up?
Life has shown me consistently that when I do the right thing, and take a perfect life and throw it in the blender I'm trading in good for great. Key examples:
I had the best roommates, was getting great grades, had the best year in college ever-and then I decided to go on a mission- I hated the MTC, and the mission was flat out tough
I was living with my best friend-again had the funnest year ever- and then I moved to SLC to take my first job out of college-I was homeless for 6 months, HATED my job, and still am amazed at how I survived on so little money.
My job in SLC got cushy, I was making great money, going to free concerts, established great friends-I decide to quit my job and move back to California- I was unemployed for 3 months, and worked for a tyrant.
I was living by the beach, going on endless trips, had great friends and a good career- I decide to get married and move BACK to Utahwhich we've already established that the first year of marriage SUCKS.
The unique thing about each life altering decision, is that took my life up a step each time, but it wasn't with out going through a period of misery before I got blessed tremendously. These experiences are some that lead me to know to trust in the Lord, that faith works, and all will be right in the end. Looking back at the ways the Lord has blessed my short life, I know to expect that if I want tremendous blessings it's going to take a bit of pain and sacrifice on my part.
Waiting till I was 31 to reproduce has HUGE advantages, but maybe it's like bungee jumping. If you get to the top and jump off immediately- you don't psych yourself out. But if you've been standing at the top for a really long time, you start to over analyse and fear the jump- I just hope it really is a bungee cord attached and it isn't a free fall.