Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Don't Look Before You Leap- way too personal thoughts on motherhood

I'm not one to share my deepest thoughts and feelings on the soapbox. I'd prefer to mock things society generally accepts or enrage U of U students. But apparently being out of my first trimester my only thoughts revolve around this thing inside of me...and the soapbox is doomed to be a temporary a mom blog.(not that there's anything wrong with that)

I started responding to comments in the last post and realized it was a ridiculously long for a comment so I turned it into a post-mostly for my own therapy.

I've always been amazed by how lightly people consider getting pregnant. There is NOTHING in the world more permanent than having a child. As soon as it's done it's done. There's no going back.

I thought reproduction was one big hoax, people encouraging me to get pregnant because misery loves company. I love it when my friends have kids and I can play with them, buy them presents and then when they're cranky give them back, so naturally they'd want me to have kids so they could do the same. Seriously, have you ever seen a mother on an airplane with her kids and HAPPY?

I've heard a number of grandparents talk about how grandkids are way better than children. So why not spend your life maintaining your sanity and enjoying other people's children?

In addition, I see teenagers that are cranky, selfish and ungrateful (though I'm sure I WAS NEVER like that). I've seen great parents go above and beyond for kids that decided to go a different way and pretty much trash their lives. I've witnessed the financial drain of these leeches. Why would I want to do that to myself?

My mom says having kids was the most fun she's ever had-coming from a helicopter pilot that played well into her thirties, it's a pretty bold statement- and 45% of the time I believe her.

I do know that everything I'm proud of doing involved a great deal of pain, struggle and sacrifice- and I can't think of a job that fits that description more than that of parent.

Waiting until the age of 31 I've had a lot of time to watch my friends and peers with their kids, watch families that flourish and those that struggle. I won't lie, I'm scared (I think that's the main reason I vomit every time I even think about visiting the OB, look at maternity clothes or think about life after the baby is born- honestly, it's kind of weird, I have a unique ability to vomit on demand, it's totally psychological.)

When my husband and I saw the NPR article we laughed. We joke around about things like that but only because it masks our fear. It's the most life altering event we'll ever experience. Why is it when everything is fabulous in my life I chose to do something like this and mess it all up?

Life has shown me consistently that when I do the right thing, and take a perfect life and throw it in the blender I'm trading in good for great. Key examples:

I had the best roommates, was getting great grades, had the best year in college ever-and then I decided to go on a mission- I hated the MTC, and the mission was flat out tough

I was living with my best friend-again had the funnest year ever- and then I moved to SLC to take my first job out of college-I was homeless for 6 months, HATED my job, and still am amazed at how I survived on so little money.

My job in SLC got cushy, I was making great money, going to free concerts, established great friends-I decide to quit my job and move back to California- I was unemployed for 3 months, and worked for a tyrant.

I was living by the beach, going on endless trips, had great friends and a good career- I decide to get married and move BACK to Utahwhich we've already established that the first year of marriage SUCKS.

The unique thing about each life altering decision, is that took my life up a step each time, but it wasn't with out going through a period of misery before I got blessed tremendously. These experiences are some that lead me to know to trust in the Lord, that faith works, and all will be right in the end. Looking back at the ways the Lord has blessed my short life, I know to expect that if I want tremendous blessings it's going to take a bit of pain and sacrifice on my part.

Waiting till I was 31 to reproduce has HUGE advantages, but maybe it's like bungee jumping. If you get to the top and jump off immediately- you don't psych yourself out. But if you've been standing at the top for a really long time, you start to over analyse and fear the jump- I just hope it really is a bungee cord attached and it isn't a free fall.


crazy4danes said...

Great post Kory! I LOVE your honesty! I think it is like bungee have to just GO or you will psych yourself out! There are a lot of good things to be said about becoming a learn to put yourself last and become selfless, you realize you can do anything once you're a mom, and it makes you push yourself to levels you've never been pushed before. That's the one thing I take from being a mother...I have realized what a strong person I am and what I can accomplish. Something I never would have learned or experienced myself.

I have my days when I wish I had never made the choice to have a child, but then I look at that wish and realize it's purely selfish and that's the one thing that I've learned not to be as a mom, and I think is so what would be the point of going back?

Anyways, so enjoy being pregnant...that was my favorite part! :D

Crystal said...

The best thing about a baby coming in such a small, cute package is that you don't have to know it all right away. The teenage years will come when you have learned how to handle every other phase of your child's life. My theory is "pay now or pay later with interest". Always being available while they're young (physically around as well as emotionally aware) will result in a better relationship when your child gets older.
Best of luck.

Ben & Kimberly McEvoy said...

i have been thinking about that last post. leave it up to sociologists to try and state the obvious in a useless way. crud man, having kids is stressful, duh. but not having kids means you never ever get to experience the joy that comes either. it will take work, and time and suck your emotions from time to time. not really headline news in my opinion, but whatever.

I sometimes think of my life in 50 years, hopefully i am still around. are the people that i gave my life's time working at a job or career going to really care that much that I am gone. all i am going to really want are family and maybe really close friends. i guess it is not something i could even cope with, the thought of not having a family and children. honestly, life without my kids, however tough it gets sometimes, would just not be nearly as good. all i can say is, hopefully you will have the same experience. i suspect you both will.

Della Hill said...

Great post.
It is exciting to watch you, (though admittedly I only know from your blog), take this plunge into parenthood.
I think somebody in a recent general conference said that it is our children, not anything else, that are the gems we take with us through the eternities.
But try to remember that when you have yellow poop leaking down your arm in the middle of the airport when you have had no sleep for 2 days. (wink).
You're gonna be a great mom!

bechtold clan said...

Congrats! Having spent the last week at disneyland, beach etc I wonder why as parents we do things to torture ourselves, but make great memories for kids when they hardly appreciate the sacrifices( lets just say never again will I go to disneyland in July!...haha!!( being a momma is the best thing ever- just wait!)
Hope pregnancy is going well!

Julia said...

You are one should take getting pregnant lightly. NOTHING has been the same since my surprise bundle came a long. Sadly it is like a line in a Spy Kids movie, (which, since you will soon have a kid, you may recognize one day and which I'm a little ashamed to admit that I'm quoting).

The mom says, at the end of her bedtime story where the mom and dad quite the jobs of being spies to live as a "normal" family, "And they were better off..."

And the daughter says "What? No Happily Ever After?"

Te mom says "Well...they were better off."

Love the baby (after time). Hated being pregnant. Hated how it changed things, loved how it changed things. Lots of big steps. Good luck with everything! And I enjoy your posts. :)

Steve said...

Ha, I couldn't agree more, except for the first year of marriage. That has been pretty easy and fun for us and we only have 30 days until the 1 year mark. But we are going through the same thing, just haven't announced it on my blog. We are scared out of our minds and actually are starting to regret it, haha. BUT, we keep saying all the good things you have said here to help us stay calm and sane. Funny that we both are going through this at the same time! But granted, your part will be a lot harder than mine! haha

k8 said...

i really needed to read this today having recently traded a life by the sea for uncertainty and a virtually nonexistent dating pool back east. i guess these periods of dark are here so the light stands out but man, tough.

mj said...

hi, there. i found you through steve and i just wanted to thank you for this honest post. i'm a newlywed, and will be thirty years old in a week or so and i relate to many of the experiences you talked about here. including the unemployment, the moving, the surviving off of very cheap food with very little nutrients, and the comfortable times that follow. we plan to have kids in the relatively near future to take advantage of the fertility and all and it has to be even scarier than getting married. there are definitely advantages and disadvantages to taking your time with these big life moments and going in with your eyes wide open. i think i too will try and stymie some of the analysis and enjoy a small measure of ignorance when we make that next leap into the darkness.

by the way, i have also been entertained by your republican rants, though i am not republican.

and, steve, wow.

Salt H2O said...

Crazy- It sounds like almost all parents have days when they wish they didn't have kids- I can't believe you liked being pregnant. I hate pregnancy!

Ben & Kim- True, it sounds like many people are getting paid to pubish the obvious!

Della- Yellow poop down the arm in the airport? oh my.

Bechtold- Watching kids scream and cry at Disneyland is another place where I think 'why do parents do this?'- they shell out a ton of money for kids to have a great memory, and the child will still throw a fit because they can't get the light up buzzlightyear spin toy. Disneyland in July- you're a champ.

Steve- Not long before your blog turns into a mom blog too! Congrats!

K8- From reading your blog it sounds like you made a huge leap of faith. I've seen proven time and again in my life- the Lord leaves me alone for a while, to walk in the dark before brining me into the light. And the life I have after each trial or period of darkness is substancially better than the life before. Remembering that he has done this in the past makes it all the easier to endure the current challenge, stress or darkness....I miss the beach too.

mj- It's nice to know that I'm not alone. Good luck with the transition to wife and mom. FYI technically I'm not a republican either- I'm a registered democrat :)

Anonymous said...

Kory, contratulations. I enjoy your blog. Only get to read it once in a while and boy to you have a lot to read on here. I haven't scratched the surface. No I don't have a blog YET. I get to yours through Eric and Teresa's. This is Kristin, Jeff's wife. I knew you would take the plunge and become pregnant and a mother. Ok, yes you wait longer and you do psyche yourself out a bit. I think there are benefits to having babies in your 20's and waiting until your 30's. As you well know, times will be hard, but once you have him or her in your arms the love you feel- well it can't be described well I don't think. You will feel it soon enough. Did you say what you are having? Sorry if I missed it. I have three boys so just cuz I am hoping for a girl for you. Sorry you've been sick. I always thought if this whole thing is so normal why does it make me SO TIRED and sick? That's normal too. Excpet for some lucky people. But hey, having spent a month at primary children's with my youngest boy, let me vouch that all could be much worse. When you are sick that usually means the baby is doing well, or so I have heard. I stopped being sick at 4 months. Felt pretty good after that. How many weeks are you? And still sick? I mean, just LOOK a those pictures of Rachel! She is so sweet and so good I hear. You will have a beautiful child. Wish I could have one with dark hair. But I do believe my boys are very handsome, and I partial, but a mom should believe that. Sorry this is so long. I don't have any of my sons in the house, nor my husband. They went to a baseball game! Quite, sweet peace and quiet. I did notice the couple times you were at our home how good you are with kids. I will admit the hardest thing about parenting, for me anyway, is no breaks. So I have to create them to stay sane. Nothing wrong with that right? Best of luck to you Kory!

crazy4danes said...

Yeah, I liked the first 7 sickness or anything and I felt great! I worked 8 hours every day on my feet no problem, and still went snorkling in La Jolla Cove at least once a week. I even went to Disneyland in my 5th month and The Wild Animal Park in the first part of my 7th month. The last 6 weeks I developed PIH or pregnancy induced hypertension and was put on strict bed rest! And I had to go to the hospital every other day for non-stress testing and ultrasounds! YUK! But yeah...for the most part it was awesome! (Till I had to deliver a 10lb baby!!!)

Steve said...

If Salty is a Democrat, then I am an EQ Leader, haha. You can be registered anything you like, but that doesn't change your heart! :)

Don't expect my blog to turn into a "mom" blog. Maybe a raffle blog though for our first born, haha. Kidding. But since you are having one, I figure I needed to have one to keep the balance in the world, ie Conservatives Vs Liberals! Maybe our kids will become the first 2nd generation dueling bloggers, haha.

Robin said...

oooo. This is getting good. I like the Kory-style momblog.

Allie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allie said...

The good thing about yellow poop, is that is doesn't really smell bad, and is the consistency of runny yogurt (and yes, I still eat yogurt).

The poop isn't bad until they stop nursing or start eating solids, then watch out.

We went to yellowstone when our most recent baby was 4 months old, and he was in disposables (we use cloth at home). DIsposables don't "contain" as well, and I ended up with yellow poop running down my leg and onto the sidewalk while I was holding him in the front pack. It was fun.


(that's my unsolicited baby information of the day)

Sherpa said...

Thanks for this post. I really needed it this evening.

Linda said...

the morning sickness is worth it.

The Hermit said...

My daughter and son live in Vancouver, Canada. They have been up there for a year and a half now. My wife and I really miss them, because they are our best friends. Having kids is well worthwhile, even if you have some trouble along the way. My son is dyslexic and I have always been afraid he would have trouble finding a good job but it is working out. Thinking back, the best thing my wife and I ever did was have our children. Life would sure be empty without them now, and they made the last 21 years wonderful for us. My wife had our first child when she was 32, and it has worked out just fine.